Little Better

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was think about a large cup of coffee.
It's nice to not wake up crying for a change.
My goals right now are simple.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Farmville.
Elliptical.
Shower.
Dress.
Jackie.
Eat.

Jackie actually figures in more predominately in that list.
If you want to know where I am, follow the dog.
She is my right hand man at the moment.
If there was room, she would jump into that shower with me.

I have also been binge watching Project Runway and working on my Fairy Princess Stole.

I like this project because my mind needs to keep up with the counting.
I love it is progressing.
I'm not sure how long it will be when finished.
I will either run out of yarn or simply decide that is enough.

I've been avoiding facebook with the exception of Farmville.
Harvesting simulated vegetables calms me.
The rest of my feed is about hand knitted baby items.
I'm not ready for that.

I'm grateful for the time off work.
I do not remember when I focused on just me.
I should do this more often.

See you later.

Shattered

I went for my blood test yesterday.
I had that empty feeling all night before.
That gut instinct. That is one helluva thing.
My results showed that it was as if I was two weeks pregnant, not nine.
Well, I take comfort in the fact that at least it is possible for me to conceive.
I never even thought that was a possibility.
It still fuckin hurts.
People are kindly trying to offer condolences.
I find myself more in the position of saying things, like it will be better next time.
Maybe the baby just wasn't developing properly and it is for the best.
To be honest, I just want to be left alone.
This is my grief. I do not want to share it.
My mother in law even offered to come over because she made a casserole and whatnot.
Nope.
I just cannot be polite and act like the ever respectful hostess at the moment.
I cannot offer polite conversation and say things like, it is ok. Next time I will stronger.
She is a nice woman but at times I find her too self-centered. I cannot deal with that personality right now.
I want to be the selfish one.
Just leave me alone for now please.
Let me have my few days of self pity.
Let me get my head together.
I will be better tomorrow.

Conflicted

I feel just so lost and emotional.
Last week I had experienced bleeding from moderate to at one point heavy.
This scared me.
Everything you read on the internet says this is a bad thing. It usually ends in miscarriage.
Then you read a few other articles that explain this is not necessarily so.
All of the articles ended with please call your health care provider.
I did that today.

The receptionist was so kind and understanding. She told me that it is usually not a good thing, but entirely uncommon.
I felt ok after this exchange. She made me an appointment to see the doctor who was on call as mine was not on today.
I arrived with Hubs on time. We registered and were told to wait.
We watched a few other patients come and go and then my name was called.
First question this doctor asked me, Do you speak French.
I started to answer I am English however,
I never finished my sentence.
I knew this was not going well.
Why are you are here?
I tried my best to explain.
I doubt she was even listening.
So since then you were bleeding.
Well, you miscarried.
I don't see why you bothered to come in.
Well, I just want to be sure everything is ok.
You miscarried. We can be sure two things. We can do a blood test.
I don't see why you did not come in earlier.
Most women come in at the first sight of blood.
I will give you two forms.
One copy will go to your assigned doctor.
They are closed today, so you can go tomorrow at your clinic in town.
Well, I guess we should call you regardless of the results.

I tell you, I have never in my life been so distraught, angry, emotionally drained, every other feeling on the spectrum ever!
She was the most cold-hearted excuse for a human I have encountered since arriving in the Belle Province.
I had a miscarriage earlier this year. It was horrible. I was shattered. I felt empty.
This time, I don't have those feelings. My stomach is holding a baby bump. I feel these little twinges in my stomach. I still have hope that things are as they should be.
That woman never even asked me a question about how I was feeling. She made her assumption without hardly any information. That was the most horrendous experience I would never wish on anyone.
I don't even know what to feel at this point.
Tomorrow morning, Hubs and I will go to the walk in clinic in town and do the blood test.
I still have hope.

Everything is OK

Everything is OK.
This has been my mantra for about a week now.
I had a bit of a scare earlier in the week.
Things were happening that I perceived as alarming.
The worse thing you can do is turn to google for help or advice. Of course, being me, that is precisely what I did.
That may have made things horrendously worse.
This is why in every couple, you have a yin and yang.
Jo is the voice of reason at the moment.
Last month I was the voice of reason, so it is his turn this month.
Rest assured, everything is OK!
Since my last appointment for the baby, I have learned many things.
I am allowed one or two cups of coffee per day. It truly is only one cup.

That is a very small cup of coffee. I used to be able to have three times the size of that!
I also have to stay away from mint and chamomile teas. I wonder if I have to avoid mint entirely or just went mixed with tea? Question for my next appointment.


I have completed my slipper socks.


I have also been working hard on my blanket.

Pinterest gave me an idea to sew an extra soft piece of fabric to the back side. I really like that idea. I have a design plan for the front which would leave a lot of ends to weave through. That piece of fabric can act like a security feature.

Little Man is back at school. The routine for Jackie and I is back to somewhat normal. When we venture out for our walk, we still have to stop if we see a giant yellow bus approaching. It might have our boy on board.

It hasn't been easy, but I have been making efforts to not worry about everything under the sun.
Everything is OK!

Adjustments

Have you tried Windows 10?
We just installed the version that was made available to Windows users about week ago.
I am still adjusting.
It does things automatically and constantly asks if I had logged in with a certain password on a certain site.
I understand it is a security feature. I just wish it would acknowledge my memory card from my camera so I can upload my pictures. Currently I have to preform dark rites in order to transfer my photographs.
There is also that new web browser, Edge. It works great for some sites, not so much for others. For example, through Edge I cannot upload photos onto blogger, but I can through Firefox.
I guess they still have some bugs to work through.

Do you remember when I told you about how I was going to enter my painting in the town fair?
Well, I came fifth! (out 6 participants)

I dropped and picked up my painting, but because of my work schedule, I was unable to actually visit the fair. I was able to send representatives. Hubs and Jacob were very kind to report back to me that the other paintings looked like paint-by-numbers.
I feel good about my efforts. I stepped out my comfort zone and put myself out there! Other people, strangers even, saw my work. This is a huge accomplishment for me.

I have also been knitting.
I completed my Coexist socks.

I have to be honest. I lost steam knitting these up. They are complete. I will wear them with pride, but I doubt if I will knit another pair.

To get over that little speed bump, I decided to do a bit of stash busting and knit up a pair ankle socks with yarn my Mother in law gave me.

Since I loved the Socks on a Plane pattern, I decided to improvise my own.


As well, we have chosen some very bright colours to knit a baby blanket.

This would bring us to part two of adjustments I have been making.
I am pregnant.
I am currently at week 6. So, everything is still really new and very much developing.
I googled what the baby would look like at this stage and the image really hit home. This is something that I never in a million years thought would happen to me and I am thrilled beyond words. There are some very serious life style changes happening right now. No alcohol, more calcium, more worrying and more caution. I want to give this child the best possible outcome available within my powers.

I am still very much in shock, but very happy. I am going to work my socks and catch up on Sense8 I wish you all a very good Monday!

Hello August

July was a decent month. There was a little bit of drama, but nothing we cannot handle.
I completed my cross stitch, Colourful Night Cat.

I have even started on my next large cross stitch pattern, Deathabilly.

Please ignore the pet hair.

The garden is doing amazing.
My tomatoes are almost taller than me.



I think we will have quite the harvest this season.

I had the pleasure of sampling some with my dinner last night.

I love the colours of this particular fruit. I'll have to remember to look for the name next time I go outside.

Even Hub's pepper plants are off to a good start.


Our Honeysuckle is thriving. You can even see it from down the street.


I have also been knitting, but it is more out of habit. I don't really feel like actually completing my projects. I go through these periods of inactivity quite often. It will pass.

I also celebrated my birthday. It was quiet. I loved it.
Jacob baked me a cake and made a very tasty supper.
I couldn't be more proud.
He is turning out to be quite the chef.

I don't think we took a photo of the meal. We must have been too busy enjoying it.
You will just have to take me word for it!

To top off the month of July, Little Man is now employed.
He has a job looking after a large Retriever named Clifford.
He will have to go everyday, ensure Clifford has food and water and goes out to do his business.
His employer is beyond relieved to have found someone to dog sit his fuzzy child and Jacob couldn't be happier.
This may not seem like a big deal, but it is huge.
This young man is finally starting to have confidence in himself. This time last year it was like pulling teeth trying to get Jacob to say what he felt. People were walking all over him and Jacob was allowing it to happen. The very worse? It members of his own family. He started to stand up those people. It took a lot courage. Now those people have blocked him on facebook. At the end of the day however, he is becoming his own man. He has a sense of right and wrong. He is gaining some inner confidence. I like to think he is has his feet on the right path.

Oh! Another huge deal!!
I am now married to a non smoker.
I can safely say that Jo has been smoke free for a month. He started out with the patches. He went through two weeks of those. On the third stage he decided they were not really helping. He cut them off. Now he explains to me that he just gets these little thoughts about smoking. Usually when he is bored. Jo has found however, that if he says what is on his mind, does not let people get away with too much unnecessary drama, there is absolutely no craving whatsoever.
I'm quite proud of these men in my life. We have all come a long way. I am looking forward to this next month to see what new adventures await us!

Growing and Sewing

These past few weeks have just flown by.
Even though I am still working while other lucky people are enjoying their holidays, I am having a great time.
It helps that I have a four day week end and my own holidays quickly approaching.
I finally finished sewing the drapery for Little Man's room.
He is over the moon excited about the darkness.
The sun has lately been making an appearance at 04h30.
These block out a lot of that glorious sunshine.

They also seem possess magical powers that entice the young man to clean his room.
He actually does have a floor.

The garden is also doing splendid!
These Lilies never had a chance last year because of my nemesis the Red Lily Eating Beetle.
Behold:

I love the colours.

I'm pretty sure these might be weeds, but I like them.
So they stay!


I had thought that my Butterfly bush had perished due the harsh winter.
I was mistaken.


Same about our Honeysuckle as well. It had split right at the bottom and Hubs and I both thought it was doomed.
It is a hardy little thing!


Lastly, check out the tomato plants. They will tower over the fence soon.
The key ingredient is chicken poop.


As a celebration to a great week end, Little Man and I baked strawberry cupcakes with actual strawberries.

I believe there are four left.

Not much else really going on in our little world.
Just enjoying each day as it comes.
I hope you are well!
Enjoy the day.