Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Entering Phase Three

So what do you do when it feels like your entire world has fallen apart. Well, I suppose you cry a bit, actually, a lot. You enter into a shock phase. You wonder what you did wrong. All these possibilities circle in your crowded mind. Maybe, should have, could have; end result didn't. It could have been worse.
I will no longer be some one's wife. It was a hard decision to reach for either side. It could have been worse.
So now we start to plan. We didn't think we would get to this phase. Nevertheless, here we are. I'm in the process of looking for an apartment. He is helping me. I'm very grateful for that. I suppose I couldn't ask for a better divorce. I don't want to be one of those bitter exes. I have no desire to age before my time.
I've actually been writing this over a lengthy period. I'm finding that with each day, I feel a little better. Not much better, but an improvement can be seen. I'm not crying all day, just at certain parts. I'm starting to feel a little strong. I still have knots in my stomach. I'm eating. Not much, but I'm trying. I just don't feel hungry. With my body though, I've always just eaten when I'm hungry. I'm being very watchful though to make sure that I do eat properly. I'm drinking my water. It's a start.
I called my mom. She was surprisingly very helpful. I wasn't sure what she would say exactly. But we chatted for a bit. It did help.
I still feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed that I couldn't do this whole marriage thing. It feels wrong. Very surreal. We will manage. We will continue on. We did have a lot of fun. We did a lot of wonderful things together. We helped each other out. I learned a lot from him and he also from me.
I do have a lot going for me. I do have friends. I have a job. I'm very capable of many things. I am going to be OK! We both will.
Thanks for listening. I hope you all have a good night.