Monday, November 27, 2023

Apprarently I'm a Legacy?

 I have been receiving notifications that I need to migrate over the new system. 

I am going to give that a try since for the life of me, I cannot seem to remember the password. Which seems silly as here I am writing this little blurb. 

This content will no longer be available.

Maybe that is a good thing.

I am in a better place than I was when I started this blog. 

I needed somewhere to vent and chat because I was lacking that in my personal life.

I have a great support system now and I am forever grateful, otherwise, I'm not sure I would be able to continue writing, drawing, painting, knitting and all those other crafty things. 

So,

I thank you all for coming along for the ride. 

I can now be found here:

My Little World

And I have no idea if this link works!

:)



Saturday, August 26, 2023

The Complicated Relationship of a Mother and Daughter

It has not always been easy. 
I can actually only only a few happy memories. 
I know she tried her best with the tools she was given but, I resentful of the tools she refused to use to try and make things better.
My mother died early Thursday morning. The official cause has not been released but, evidence points to complications from a stroke. 
She was a woman who had many vulnerabilities, compounded by the loss of my father. 
She remarried a man whose main goal was to have everything his way. 
Afterall, it was the way he had learned from his abusive father. He allowed that cycle to continue and refused to change even if it meant things could be better. 
He refused to give up that power. 
Over the years, he further isolated my mother from the family that knew her and would protect her. 
They relocated to PEI. She was alone and miserable. 
 I was in my late teens and lacked the resources to help. The only thing I could suggest was to come back home. 
 She refused. 
 Her place, she said, was by her husband. 
 My sister and I resented that. 
We thought her place should be with family. 
PEI did not agree with him. 
He made the decision to move back to Ontario. 
He never asked my mother her opinion. He made the decision, drove to Ontario alone. Found a house that suited his needs. Filled out the paperwork and my mother, sight unseen, was required to look after a house she had no say in. 
He had decided her car was too big and too difficult for her to control. He sold it and chose a car he thought was more suitable. 
 She accepted his decision with minimal argument. 
He knew best. 
 He wanted to travel with a trailer. 
She did not. 
The very idea seemed like too much work for her. 
 He knew best. 
They bought a trailer and several more because there was always something lacking with the previous.  
This was her life. 
 Constantly allowing decisions involving her to be made for her. She never said anything to the contrary.  
He knew best. 
 She gave up her family, her freedom, and her choice to appease a man who was never satisfied and always looking for something else. 
Our last interaction was a fight. 
I was angry.
I have no regrets about anything I told her. It was honest.
All of our lives, were controlled by this man who did not care what anyone else needed never mind wanted. 
A divide was created between a mother and her children all for the sake of staying next to someone who would control her every move. 
 I told her, you can stay with us. 
 We want you here. 
 You can do what you want, when you want and no one will say otherwise. 
 She said no. I was ungrateful for all he had done. 
 Her place was to remain with him at all and every single cost even if it meant never seeing her children who she claimed to love but would never protect. 
I am filled with intense rage right now. 
 I have to sit quietly while people, wishing well, offer condolences on a relationship that never existed. 
 I understand she thinks she did her best. 
 I have to accept that. 
 I have found comfort among my relatives who finally feel safe to talk about my mother and the controlling marriage she shared with that man. 
 The only thing to do now is just say good bye and come to terms with a relationship where the child had to do the heavy work to maintain any form of mental stability in a house filled with so anxiety and fear.
She was my mother.
I loved her.

Sunday, July 9, 2023

Everything is quite all right!

My Maple Leafs ended a 19 year chrse and managed to make it to the 2nd round of the playoffs. Quite a few people on various social media sites still downplayed that achievement! I honestly cannot understand why.I don't know if any other die hard fans felt the same way but, it was an emotional experience for me. I can't really explain why. I guess I had just come to expect an early defeat. So, I will say what I say every year. Maybe next season. And I will continue to enjoy the game! During the playoffs I knit a few sweaters! The first was a test knit sponsored by Eweknit It was later released as Julieta Pullover I made my version longer than required because 1, that is my preference and 2, I had the available materials!
I had not blocked it prior to the photos being taken so, please excuse the wrinkles. It was a fun knit that remained interesting during the fair isle pattern change and the steady stockinette knit help me concentrate on the hockey! Another sweater I enjoyed knotting during the play-offs was The Corrie Sweater
I just really love cables! It is a perfect fit and remain interesting throughout the process. Lastly, I tried something new with a bulky wool and a sweater called Beginners Boatneck Jumper
It truly is a very quick knit! I also began painting a little more often. Here are a few of my paintings:
Not all winners but fun nonetheless. I like trying to figure out new ways to paint skies and clouds. Harley and Jackie are inseparable. One is never far from the other!
Believe it or not, Jackie just turned 9! Harley is not yet a year! Jackie has gone from the big spoon and pillow to little spoon and cuddle bug. Once in a while, Harley tries her luck with Rorschach!
They've arrived at a mutual understanding where Harley keeps her paws to herself and Rorschach does pretty much what he pleases. Lastly, I'll leave you with a little video of our daily hummingbird visitor. I hope you enjoy it as much as I!

Saturday, April 15, 2023

Just some thoughts

I do a lot if thinking. A lot, like, all the time, all the thinking. I learned recentky that there are people who are able to keep their mind blank. No constantly running monologue. Do you ever experience that? I've never had that quiet. There's always a constant chatter in my mind. I'm curious though, what would that be like? I was also thinking about idiosyncracies. I'm not sure if I'm saying that right. I love the idea that situations line up in such a way, almost perfectly fir certain events to take place, almost as if it were meant to be. It provides me a bit of comfort because it is almost like these things are meant to happen for a special reason. We only get to learn the reason why after the fact. I'm saying we have no free will but, it is interesting to think that maybe we don't really have all that much choice we think. Don't get me wrong. We make choices. Those choices alway have repercussions. We must still exercise caution so not to cause harm to others. I think if perhaps we exercised thise cautions, were more careful of our actions, perhaps the world would not be so screwed up?

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Everything is OK

I mean that. Everything is ok. I've just been doing a bit of thinking. I learned that in order foe me to be really OK, some boundaries need to be set. I can no longer allow people to make me feel bad. Nor can it matter who they are and what they are suppose to represent. I spoke about it at length woth Jo. He always sees things a bit differently and it helps to get that perspective. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make but came to the necessary conclusion that I can no longer allow my parents to bully me and then turn it around to justify their actions say their attitude, behaviour, et cetera is because I did or said something. It actually hardly, ever is, my fault when I have found myself on the receiving end of their need to still put me in place even though I've been an adult for quite some time. I allowed it because of guilt. I was told I'm the only one who can help them, support them, whatever. That is not my fault. They're actions and words are what drive people away. I haven't spoken with them except for a very brief moment at Christmas. I actually feel good. I like it. I like not having to justify my actions or explain why I want to do something. It's actually nice not having someone tell me it's a waste of money or time. I've been enjoying myself and look forward to this new found freedom. I just had to give myself permission to say no and not feel bad about someone else's wrong doings or poorly thought out actions. Boundaries are good, necessary and healthy! I will continue to enforce them.

Saturday, December 17, 2022

Try As I Might

I am just catching my breathe now! I completed the last of my exams for this term, this morning. I never really know how well I fare. You place the words test or exam in a sentence, I tend to get panicky. It's honestly ridiculous. I have studied and practiced and repeated the process. I can know the information forward and back, yet I cannot get rid of those anxious feelings. I just do the best I can! We unfortunately had to say goodbye to little Charlotte at the beginning of October. She had a number of teeth loose and went in for surgery to remove them. The surgery was too much and she suffered from Sepsis. She was a brave little dog who viewed everyone as a friend she had not yet met.
Jackie looked for her for a number of days. I think that was more heartbreaking because I could not properly explain where Charlotte had gone. Not long after, we received a surprise notice that a dog had given birth to 12 puppies! They were looking for homes. Did not have to tell me twice! We welcomed Harley into our home Thanksgiving day!
Harley is a German Shepherd, Border Collie mix and quite vocal. About everything. I never fully appreciated how Jackie spoiled me. It was like Jackie was already an old lady in puppy form, silently judging us all. Harley is just absolute chaos, wrapped in fur. We are all loving every minute of it! Jackie is teaching Harley all kinds of interesting behaviours and providing some good information in how to operate. Harley looks to Jackie as a studious little pupil in how best to proceed in a variety of situations.
As you can see, they are never far from each other! I finished a sweater that I am quite proud of!
It is called Victoria Jumper by
Willow and Larkhttps://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/victoria-jumper
in Ramble yarn. The only thing I altered was to knit it in the round to avoid some seaming. It involved a bit of math and I am happy to report, the math was correct! I have also been painting and sketching a fair bit! This is a work in progress:
It got a bit muddy on me, so it's time out. I also did some chalk pastel:
Titled Far From Home. I have also been working with my watercolours but failed to take photographs. The holidays are now upon us. I hope you are all well. We will be staying quiet this year. Just a simple dinner and a few movies. We've all been too tired to get up to any shenanigans if I'm honest, and we are looking forward to some time just to decompress. Stay well everyone. Until we chat again!

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Been a Minute

First. I am doing well! My mother-in-law is adjusting as best she can. There is still the aphasia to contend with. It makes conversation interesting. To be homest, I have no idea how much she understands. There is very little short term memory. Once in a while, there is a flash. She will be present. Comment about something that actually relates to what is happening then, disappear again. Just my own personal opinion, and I understand how little weight that carries, but our daily life resembles what people with dementia exoerience. If that is our new reality, well, we will continue ro work with what we have. We went through ome massive renovations. Our basement was deteriorating rapidly. We had to make a decision on how best to proceed. It was decided to lift the house, destroy the old foundation, and pour a new one. We spent a good month in the clouds waiting for the cement to settle.
We were quite the neighbourhood attraction.
Luna was always present to supervise.
Now we are waiting for the crew to install the heat portion of the heated floors. So far, it feels like the main part of renovation is waiting. For people who are used to making decisions and then taking action, this waiting is the most difficult. For a time, I was working weekends at the nursing home, while going to school, looking after mom-in-law, and started to work as a bookkeeper for an acquaintance. I was afraid to let anyone down. I loved what I was doing at the residence and was grateful to start remote work as a bookkeeper. After all, it s why I am in school. But, a decision needed to be made. I was spreading myself too thin. I didn't have time to do any of the things I really enjoy like paint, draw, knit, and the odd time bake something. I put in my notice at the residence and I just experienced my first weekend home since February. The dogs were estactic! So was the husband. I started working on a few things. These are just a few things I remembered to photograph:
Some baking:
Someone wanted a Black Forest Cake for their birthday. I tried to accomodate!
And I have been knitting. My current work in progress are Bouton d'or socks.
And cross stitching. To ease back into the process, I have been working on a kit from Innocent Bones, Wheel of Fortune.
To cap off our summer adventures, Jackie had the unfortunate experience to be sprayed by a skunk. How we managed to a oid this for the last eight years, I'll never know. It happened in slow motion. We went out for our final nightly routine. I was not paying attention. Charlotte went blasting through. The skunk was probably wondering what the f... was that? When she has to go, she has tunnel vision. There is only one thing she focuses on. I am thankful because I do not think I could have managed the two of them covered. Jackie was not so lucky. She herds by instinct. She tried to herd the wrong kitty and was rewarded for her efforts. Three showers, a few weeks later, there is still a hint of the spray. This is a smell that will be burned in our mememories.
I hope you are all doing well. There are still a lot of changes happening around the world. Some are downright terrifying. I try not to dwell too much or I will end up losing myself in that darkness. I'm just trying to enjoy the little things. Make string pretty. Put some amrks on a page and chill with the family. Stay safe everyone!