Little Better

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was think about a large cup of coffee.
It's nice to not wake up crying for a change.
My goals right now are simple.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Farmville.
Elliptical.
Shower.
Dress.
Jackie.
Eat.

Jackie actually figures in more predominately in that list.
If you want to know where I am, follow the dog.
She is my right hand man at the moment.
If there was room, she would jump into that shower with me.

I have also been binge watching Project Runway and working on my Fairy Princess Stole.

I like this project because my mind needs to keep up with the counting.
I love it is progressing.
I'm not sure how long it will be when finished.
I will either run out of yarn or simply decide that is enough.

I've been avoiding facebook with the exception of Farmville.
Harvesting simulated vegetables calms me.
The rest of my feed is about hand knitted baby items.
I'm not ready for that.

I'm grateful for the time off work.
I do not remember when I focused on just me.
I should do this more often.

See you later.

Shattered

I went for my blood test yesterday.
I had that empty feeling all night before.
That gut instinct. That is one helluva thing.
My results showed that it was as if I was two weeks pregnant, not nine.
Well, I take comfort in the fact that at least it is possible for me to conceive.
I never even thought that was a possibility.
It still fuckin hurts.
People are kindly trying to offer condolences.
I find myself more in the position of saying things, like it will be better next time.
Maybe the baby just wasn't developing properly and it is for the best.
To be honest, I just want to be left alone.
This is my grief. I do not want to share it.
My mother in law even offered to come over because she made a casserole and whatnot.
Nope.
I just cannot be polite and act like the ever respectful hostess at the moment.
I cannot offer polite conversation and say things like, it is ok. Next time I will stronger.
She is a nice woman but at times I find her too self-centered. I cannot deal with that personality right now.
I want to be the selfish one.
Just leave me alone for now please.
Let me have my few days of self pity.
Let me get my head together.
I will be better tomorrow.

Conflicted

I feel just so lost and emotional.
Last week I had experienced bleeding from moderate to at one point heavy.
This scared me.
Everything you read on the internet says this is a bad thing. It usually ends in miscarriage.
Then you read a few other articles that explain this is not necessarily so.
All of the articles ended with please call your health care provider.
I did that today.

The receptionist was so kind and understanding. She told me that it is usually not a good thing, but entirely uncommon.
I felt ok after this exchange. She made me an appointment to see the doctor who was on call as mine was not on today.
I arrived with Hubs on time. We registered and were told to wait.
We watched a few other patients come and go and then my name was called.
First question this doctor asked me, Do you speak French.
I started to answer I am English however,
I never finished my sentence.
I knew this was not going well.
Why are you are here?
I tried my best to explain.
I doubt she was even listening.
So since then you were bleeding.
Well, you miscarried.
I don't see why you bothered to come in.
Well, I just want to be sure everything is ok.
You miscarried. We can be sure two things. We can do a blood test.
I don't see why you did not come in earlier.
Most women come in at the first sight of blood.
I will give you two forms.
One copy will go to your assigned doctor.
They are closed today, so you can go tomorrow at your clinic in town.
Well, I guess we should call you regardless of the results.

I tell you, I have never in my life been so distraught, angry, emotionally drained, every other feeling on the spectrum ever!
She was the most cold-hearted excuse for a human I have encountered since arriving in the Belle Province.
I had a miscarriage earlier this year. It was horrible. I was shattered. I felt empty.
This time, I don't have those feelings. My stomach is holding a baby bump. I feel these little twinges in my stomach. I still have hope that things are as they should be.
That woman never even asked me a question about how I was feeling. She made her assumption without hardly any information. That was the most horrendous experience I would never wish on anyone.
I don't even know what to feel at this point.
Tomorrow morning, Hubs and I will go to the walk in clinic in town and do the blood test.
I still have hope.