Shattered

I went for my blood test yesterday.
I had that empty feeling all night before.
That gut instinct. That is one helluva thing.
My results showed that it was as if I was two weeks pregnant, not nine.
Well, I take comfort in the fact that at least it is possible for me to conceive.
I never even thought that was a possibility.
It still fuckin hurts.
People are kindly trying to offer condolences.
I find myself more in the position of saying things, like it will be better next time.
Maybe the baby just wasn't developing properly and it is for the best.
To be honest, I just want to be left alone.
This is my grief. I do not want to share it.
My mother in law even offered to come over because she made a casserole and whatnot.
Nope.
I just cannot be polite and act like the ever respectful hostess at the moment.
I cannot offer polite conversation and say things like, it is ok. Next time I will stronger.
She is a nice woman but at times I find her too self-centered. I cannot deal with that personality right now.
I want to be the selfish one.
Just leave me alone for now please.
Let me have my few days of self pity.
Let me get my head together.
I will be better tomorrow.